


Insecurities

by Nick_367



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kissing, Loosely Canon Compliant, Mentions of Sex, Mysophobia, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Sakusa Kiyoomi is a Softie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28754001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nick_367/pseuds/Nick_367
Summary: Sakusa Kiyoomi goes on his first date with Miya Atsumu after declining him several times because of anxiety that Atsumu doesn't know about. All Kiyoomi can do is hope it doesn't go wrong and he doesn't have to tell Atsumu about his anxiety.TW: Panic/Anxiety attack and self-depreciating talk
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 81





	Insecurities

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like they are a bit out of character, but I suck at writing Sakuatsu.

Kiyoomi was nervous. Well, he was actually way past the point of being nervous. He was so very anxious, he almost felt like he could throw up. The thought of throwing up was so disgusting to him, he nearly gagged. His palms were sweaty no matter how many times he wiped them off and he was trembling with anxiety. He wanted to cry, but he had done that earlier and he had place to be. All of this, these feelings, were because of his date with his boyfriend, Atsumu.

Atsumu and Kiyoomi had been dating for a little over five months and yet they had never gone on a single date. Each time Atsumu mentioned it, Kiyoomi declined and would blame his mysophobia. That wasn’t the whole reason why Kiyoomi refused to go, he was also very terrified. The idea of being out with Atsumu wasn’t what scared him, it was the fact that they were in public instead of in his apartment. In public meant that people would be staring at them, talking about them, and possibly even approaching them. As a volleyball player, Kiyoomi hated the eyes on him, but in his personal life, he absolutely despised it. His anxiety would rise whenever he played in games, with eyes on him, watching him when he did well and when he messed up, but he had learned to tolerate it in his work life. In his private life, well that was a different story. Let’s just say the last thing Kiyoomi needed was for people to watch him eat a meal with the one he loves.

Of course, Kiyoomi could have blamed his germaphobia and told Atsumu how he couldn’t again, but he knew this wasn’t fair to Atsumu. Kiyoomi could see the sadness in his eyes each time he declines a date with his lover which is why he agreed this time. He felt guilty for never taking Atsumu on a date. So Kiyoomi shoved all his anxiety aside, as best he could that is, to make Atsumu happy.

Kiyoomi put on his gray sneakers, black jeans, white shirt, black jacket, and his black mask for his date with Atsumu. The date was just at some random cafe that Atsumu had wanted to go to, a casual one, so he didn’t want to be too fancy. After he changed, he went to go comb his hair and wash his face, hoping that doing the latter would calm his nerves. It didn’t. He was still as scared as ever, but there was no way he would let this ruin his date.

Just after Kiyoomi finished getting dressed and sat down, he heard the doorbell ring. He knew it was Atsumu even though the date wasn’t for another 30 minutes. Of course Atsumu would be so excited he would show up early. Kiyoomi got up and went to open his door. As he had predicted, the person at the door was Atsumu. Atsumu wore a pair of black jeans, black sneakers, and a bright green shirt.

Kiyoomi wanted to tell Atsumu that he looked nice, but instead he said, “That shirt is hideous.”

Atsumu just laughed and said, “Yer such an asshole, Omi-kun.”

“Would you love me if I wasn’t?”

“No, I don’t think I would,” Atsumu chuckled and Kiyoomi smiled at that.

They stood in silence for a moment before Kiyoomi said, “I was serious. Green is not your color. Maybe if you didn’t have piss-colored hair, it would look better. Anyways, I’ll let you wear one of my shirts.”

“My hair does not look like piss!”

“Is that all you heard?”

“No.”

“Then come in and borrow one of my shirts, dumbass.” Kiyoomi gestured for Atsumu to come in. They walked to his bedroom and Kiyoomi gave Atsumu a red shirt. After a few minutes, Atsumu came out wearing it. It was a bit too big, but it looked better than that horrid green shirt.

“You look so much better, Atsu,” Kiyoomi said and gave Atsumu a kiss on the cheeks. Just as Kiyoomi pulled away, Atsumu pulled him back down into an actual kiss which Kiyoomi happily reciprocated. After a minute or two he pulled away saying how they needed to go for their date. Their date that Kiyoomi was still so very nervous about.

They left Kiyoomi’s apartment and started on their way to the cafe they were planning to eat at. Kiyoomi could feel his anxiety increasing as he got further away he got from his apartment because all he could think of was the countless people that were staring at him. He knew it was in his head, but he could not lower his anxiety. He was so lost in trying to lower his panic that he didn’t even feel Atsumu grab his hand. So lost in freaking out that he didn’t hear Atsumu until Atsumu stopped, grabbed him, and made Kiyoomi face him.

“Babe! You’re covered in sweat! Is something wrong?” Atsumu asked, concern in his voice. He was covered in sweat? Kiyoomi hadn’t noticed. He was just going to shake it off, though, because he didn’t want to ruin this date for Atsumu.

“I-I’m fine, Atsu. Let’s just keep going.” Kiyoomi turned back around and kept walking hearing Atsumu mutter something like, "If you say so," and Kiyoomi knew Atsumu didn’t believe him. He was just grateful that Atsumu would let it go.

Atsumu grabbed ahold of Kiyoomi’s hand and the two kept walking towards the cafe. It had only been 5 minutes since they left and the cafe was another 10 minute walk. Over the next 5 minutes, Kiyoomi just kept getting more anxious. He just wanted to be at home. Home was safe. Safe from the people watching him. Safe from judgement. And while he would not be completely safe from his mind, the voices and his anxiety were not quite as loud in his home.

Before he could even process what he was doing, Kiyoomi turned around and bolted towards his apartment, tears welling in his eyes. He could feel his anxiety bubbling in his chest and he needed to be somewhere he considered safe.

“Omi!” Kiyoomi heard Atsumu shout from behind him, but he didn’t turn around, he just ran faster.

After about 5 minutes of sprinting, Kiyoomi made it back to his apartment. He quickly went inside, leaned against the wall, and sunk down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face in them. His chest hurt and it wasn’t from the running. It was from the anxiety that ran through his veins. So he just sat with his tear-stained face and tried to calm down the pain in his chest. It was starting to work until he thought Atsumu. Like how Atsumu was probably thinking of why Kiyoomi left him. How Atsumu probably felt unwanted. And worse, how was Atsumu going to react to this? What if he left him? Kiyoomi couldn’t lose him. The pain in his chest began to rise again and he kept crying. It made it hard to breathe and his vision began to blur from the tears. His breathing was so heavy, he couldn’t hear the knocking at the door. He didn’t hear Atsumu use his spare key to open the door and he didn’t see Atsumu walk in. He didn’t even register Atsumu’s presence until he heard him speak.

“Omi-kun?” Kiyoomi lifted his head up at the sound of his nickname. Atsumu must have noticed his tears as he was walking over to hug him, but stopped. He must have noticed the heavy breathing because the next thing he said was, “Is it okay if I touch you? I don’t want to trigger your anxiety attack more.”

Kiyoomi just nodded and a second later, he felt Atsumu pull his mask down, something that Kiyoomi forgot he was wearing, so he could breathe better and he felt Atsumu wrap his arms around him in a way that made Kiyoomi look small. They stayed like that as Atsumu whispered soothing words to him like, “Shush, baby it’s okay. I got you,” and telling him to breathe as he rubbed Kiyoomi’s back comfortingly. Eventually, Kiyoomi’s breathing started to calm down and the flow of his tears began to slow. When he felt comfortable enough to move, Kiyoomi shuffled into Atsumu’s lap and wrapped his arms and legs around the latter, almost like a koala. He buried his face into the crook of Atsumu’s neck and Atsumu rubs his back with one hand and wraps his arm around Kiyoomi’s waist with another. They sat like that for another few minutes until Kiyoomi lifted his head up to look at Atsumu.

“I-I’m sorry I ruined our date,” Kiyoomi murmurs, barely loud enough for Atsumu to hear.

“Don’t apologize baby. I’m just that glad you’re okay,” Atsumu responds before he continues, “Kiyoomi you’re still shaking. Do you want to get off this floor and for me to make you some tea to calm you down?” Kiyoomi nodded and wrapped his arms and legs around Atsumu as the ladder carried him to the couch and sat him down before going to the kitchen to make some tea. After a few minutes, Atsumu came back and gave a warm mug of tea to Kiyoomi. The two sat there for several minutes as Kiyoomi drank his tea before Atsumu started to speak, “Babe, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly triggered it and has it happened before?”

Kiyoomi knows he needs to tell Atsumu. Atsumu is his partner after all, he deserves a bit of an explanation. He stays quiet for a moment before he sat down his tea and began speaking, “Uh...so I really don’t know where to start, but I know you deserve an explanation.”

“It’s okay. Take your time.” Kiyoomi smiled at how understanding his boyfriend was being right now.

After another deep breath, Kiyoomi began to explain, “So...yeah that was an anxiety attack. Well, more like it was both a panic and anxiety attack. Those are, uh, two different things t-that can occur at the s-same time. A-anyways...I-I’m getting off topic. I-I’ve been having a-anxiety and p-panic a-attacks for several years. I-it doesn’t happen often since I learned to deal with it, but today was d-different since it was our first date. I-I w-was excited, b-but I was so n-nervous. I need a minute.” Kiyoomi could feel his eyes welling up with tears again so he paused his explanation to let them out.

“Ok baby. Take all the time you need, Kiyoomi,” Atsumu responded, his voice sounded so soothing to Kiyoomi.

After a few more minutes, Kiyoomi started again, “S-so as I was s-saying, I-I just got n-nervous. I-I hate i-it when people stare at me. I mean, I’ve learned to get used to it in volleyball, b-but not i-in m-my p-personal l-life. S-seeing p-people s-stare at us while we eat t-together f-freaks me out even when I know t-that they are n-not. It’s actually why I d-declined your date offers before. I j-just blamed it on my m-mysophobia, even if t-that wasn’t the only r-reason. And it gets w-worse when I feel like I d-don’t d-deserve y-you. Y-you deserve s-someone who isn’t t-terrified of p-people or g-germs. Someone w-who is w-willing to get d-dirty with y-you. And that i-isn’t me.”

When it was clear that Kiyoomi was finished, Atsumu spoke, “Omi-kun, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. I wish you would’ve told me, but I’m not angry about it. I know you said that you don’t deserve me Kiyoomi, but it’s really the other way around. You’re such a wonderful and patient person. I mean, ya deal with my ass each day and you still love me. You love me as much as I love you and I love you so very much, Kiyoomi. I would never leave you because of your mysophobia. I know what I say won’t ease your anxiety, but I’ll be here with you every second. You can always count on me, my love.”

“Y-you mean it?”

“With every bone in my body, Kiyoomi. I just...why didn’t you tell me about your anxiety? And why didn’t you tell me about your reason for not going on dates? Speaking of, baby, why did you force yourself to go if you were uncomfortable?”

“I thought y-you’d hate me for my a-anxiety. I don’t know w-why, but I thought you would leave me because I’m w-weak and I d-didn’t w-want you to s-see me t-that w-way. As for the dates, I d-didn’t want to make you u-upset. I know how s-sad you get when I d-decline your d-date o-offers and I h-hate making you s-sad.”

“Baby, I could never hate you and I don’t think you’re weak because you have anxiety attacks. I love how you considered my feelings, but you should have considered yourself first, Kiyoomi. I love you and that won’t change because of your anxiety attacks. Just next time, please talk to me about what bothers you, whether it’s your anxiety or your mysophobia, okay?”

Kiyoomi nods and crawls into Atsumu’s lap again. Once again burying his face in the crook of Atsumu’s neck and wrapping his arms and legs around Atsumu, again, like a koala. He just sat there hugging his boyfriend, placing small kisses on Atsumu’s neck causing Atsumu to shiver when Kiyoomi “accidentally” bites him.

“You motherf-” Atsumu gets cut off by Kiyoomi giving him a peck on the lips.

After pulling away, Kiyoomi says, “Geez Atsu, you shouldn’t be so vulgar.”

“Shut up, you know what you did, Kiyoomi!”

“Oh no! Not the first name!” Kiyoomi rolls his eyes.

“I take it you’re feeling better, so maybe I should teach you a lesson,” Atsumu says, seductively, and Kiyoomi blushes leaning for a kiss before Atsumu rolls him over and starts tickling him.

“Atsu! You asshole!” Kiyoomi yells between laughs.

“You asked for it.”

“N-no! Stop it, Atsu!”

“Beg for it.”

“Please! Please! Please, Atsu! Stop it!” Kiyoomi yells still laughing and Atsumu stops tickling him. Kiyoomi pouts before adding, “You owe me more cuddles.”

“And why should I give cuddles to a brat like you?”

“Because you love me.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. Alright then, c’mere Omi-kun.” Kiyoomi once again crawls onto Atsumu’s lap and sits in the same position as he had earlier, burying his face in the crook of Atsumu’s neck, once again.

They sit like that for a while until a thought comes to Kiyoomi’s head. Kiyoomi decides to get his boyfriend’s attention by saying, “Hey, Atsu?”

“Yes, Omi-kun?”

“How did you know I was having an anxiety attack?”

“I had to help an old friend with an anxiety attack once and I’ve had on e before as well. I just sort of recognized it because it reminded me of how my friend looked and how I looked during a panic attack.”

“Oh. Well, I’m glad you noticed it and I’m sorry you had before as well.”

“It’s fine, Omi-kun. I had Osamu to help me through it and while I can be dumb, I know a few things about mental health that I learned from other people.”

“Oh, okay.” Kiyoomi didn’t know what else to say, so he just buried his deeper into Atsumu’s neck while Atsumu just rubbed his back. They sat like that for about 30 minutes before Kiyoomi lifted his head and gave Atsumu a kiss on the lips. A kiss that lasted for about 2 minutes before Kiyoomi pulls away, hearing Atsumu whine at the loss of contact.

He must’ve made that face like he was thinking because a second later, Atsumu asked, “What is it, baby?”

“I was thinking, since our date got ruined today, what should we do for our next date?” Kiyoomi asked.

“I don’t know. That’s up to you. I didn’t think you’d want to go on a date again after today.”

“I do. I just, next time, let’s go somewhere quieter. I know a secluded park that’s really beautiful where no one goes. We could go there and have a picnic? I know it isn’t very public, but I might could handle that better.”

“Ok then. Next time, we’ll go there and I’ll make all your favorite snacks because my baby deserves the best.”

“I’m not a baby, Atsu,” Kiyoomi retorts, rolling his eyes.

“Hmm...sure ya aren’t. That’s why you’re always desperate for cuddles and why you like to sit in my lap all the time. It’s okay, though. I love it when my Kiyoomi acts like a big baby.” Atsumu kisses Kiyoomi on the forehead and the latter struggles to conceal his blush.

“I really fucking love you, Atsu,” Kiyoomi says after a few moments of silence.

“I really fucking love you too, Kiyoomi.” Kiyoomi looks down at Atsumu’s lips hoping the latter will recognize that he wants a kiss. Luckily he does and Kiyoomi feels himself being pulled down into a kiss right before he feels Atsumu’s lips on his. The kiss lasted for about 3 minutes before Atsumu pulled away and asked, “Omi-kun, what do ya want to do for the rest of the day?”

“Kiss and cuddle?” Kiyoomi suggests.

“Sure, we’ll kiss and cuddle after you get a shower.”

“Shower? Why?”

“Omi-Omi, do ya not realize you were in public and then came home before sitting on the floor. I know ya well enough to know how much ya hate sitting on the floor.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re right! I didn’t even think of that!” Kiyoomi clumsily gets off of Atsumu’s lap and runs to take a shower barely hearing Atsumu laughing at him.

“Omi-kun, can I join?!” Kiyoomi hears Atsumu yell out to him.

“Sure,” Kiyoomi responds before getting in the shower, only to be joined by Atsumu a few minutes later. He feels Atsumu hug him from behind and he makes sure to say, “Don’t try anything, Miya.”

“Ugh, first of all, keep calling me Atsu and don’t call me Miya. Second of all, I wasn’t going to try and have sex with you right now. I just wanted to hug my baby, but apparently my mind is not the one that’s in the gutter right now.”

“I just know how you are sometimes, Atsu. And I remember what happened the last time we showered together.” Kiyoomi rolled his eyes.

“Fair point.”

The two men kept showering until Kiyoomi felt Atsumu slam him into the shower wall, lift him up, and kiss him passionately. Kiyoomi pulled away and raised an eyebrow at Atsumu before asking, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Sorry you look good and I got horny.”

“Of course you did. What happened to you just wanting to hug me? And you said my mind was in the gutter.” Kiyoomi rolled his eyes.

“Sorry, Omi-kun. Can I at least kiss ya?”

“You can do more than kiss me, if you want. Just be gentle and make it quick,” Kiyoomi responded. Without saying anything else, Atsumu started to kiss Kiyoomi and the latter wrapped his arms and legs around him.

After they finished their shower (and other things), they laid in Kiyoomi’s bed with Kiyoomi tucking his head in Atsumu’s chest and wrapping his arms and legs around him getting occasional kisses from his boyfriend. Right now, Kiyoomi feels loved. And while he knows it will happen again, he wonders why he ever doubted Atsumu in the first place. At least he’ll have Atsumu by his side when it happens again.

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, Kiyoomi only stutters a lot because of how shaken up he is from his anxiety attack. He stops stuttering when he feels better. And yes, Kiyoomi is a bottom in this, but they switch.
> 
> Also, people can have a panic and and anxiety attack at the same time. I did my research, but I can't explain the difference well, so if you are curious just google it.
> 
> Please comment some feedback and what part was your favorite.
> 
> Follow my Instagram for updates: @k.__.editz
> 
> I also have Twitter but I'm not very active there, but its: K_chan167


End file.
